Picture this: You are in the grocery store and your child points to something they want, and when you shake your head "no" they burst into a tantrum! Your initial thoughts might be "Calm down.. its just a box of crackers. We have some at home."
For children, though, they do not have the verbal skills to express their wants or needs, or fully argue their case and verbalize their emotions. The frontal lobe, in charge of problem solving, emotional regulation, and impulse control, is still very underdeveloped, so these skills need to be taught and tended to, not shunned. Thus, don't be scared of or upset with your child for becoming angry. Instead, see it as a learning opportunity to help them process and manage disappointment, frustration, and anger. This skill can help children navigate through life more effectively.
First, it is crucial to recognize signs of anger in children:
Physical signs such as frowning, clenched fists
Dangerous behaviors to themselves or others, throwing self to ground, lashing out at anything within reach, such as throwing or hitting
Yelling, saying things to deliberately hurt someone
Withdrawal and giving silent treatments
Frustration when they can’t win or solve a problem
Blaming others for their problems, or play victim
Looking for reasons to get more upset
Take a lot of time and energy to calm down
All behavior is a form of communication, a way to communicate needs or wants. Anger is often a call for help when an emotion or need is too difficult to communicate with speech. Hence, it is essential to help children learn the skills to manage anger in a healthy way.
Teach Emotional Awareness - Kids will experience a variety of feelings as they go through life, and anger is one of them. Help children recognize triggers for anger, and what it feels like in their body when anger arises. Validate and recognize that it is normal to feel angry sometimes, and that it is okay to be angry. Teaching children what to do after recognizing those feelings is what matters.
Develop Communication Skills - Always teach children to express their feelings verbally with phrases like "I feel angry because..." “I’m feeling mad at….” Share that talking about feelings with a trusted person can help with processing through anger and gain perspective.
Model Calm Behavior - Children learn by observing adults, so it is essential that parents and caregivers demonstrate how to communicate calmly and navigate challenging situations.
Find a Teaching Moment to Promote Problem Solving Skills - Children in the middle of a tantrum or anger outburst is in fight, flight, or freeze mode. This means that their frontal lobe, in charge of reasoning and regulation, is completely turned off, is not ready to hear or take in a lecture at this time. Repeat simple calming phrases like "I am here with you"or "I can see you are angry and I'm here to help you" to help them return to baseline. Later, find a calm time for reflection and teaching. By showing children how to problem-solve and resolve conflicts peacefully, they can learn valuable life skills that will serve them well in the future.
Create a Calm-Down Space - Set up a designated quiet and safe spot in the house where the child can go to cool down, self-regulate, or co-regulate with you. This space can be equipped with soft pillows, books on emotions and stories about anger, coloring books, as well as stress balls and fidget toys.
Teach Deep Breathing and Coping Techniques - Taking deep breaths signals to the body to go back to a calmer state. Counting, writing out thoughts and feelings in a journal, listening to soothing music, visualizing a calm and relaxing place, and etc.
Set Consistent and Clear Expectations and Rules - Children need consistent boundaries and structure to know how to behave, be clear expectations and consequences for aggressive or unacceptable behavior. Sometimes a visual is helpful for younger children.
Routines - A predictable daily routine provides a sense of security for children, and helps to reduce frustration and anger.
By employing these strategies with some patience and practice, parents and caregivers can equip children toward healthier ways to handle anger, contributing to better emotional regulation. Hearts Connected is also here to help and share knowledge about what strategies work and guide parents in their own unique situation. Our goal is to ensure every family has access and the opportunity to receive child life support.
Book a free consult for behavioral support with a Certified Child Life Specialist here!